Posted in: Share a Problem with Auntie Agatha

Should I tell my brother about her rotten past?

Dear Agatha, 

I am in a dilemma of whether to destroy my brother’s happiness by telling him all the things I know about his wife to be or allow the matter to rest.

About two months ago, my elder brother brought home the lady he plans to marry. Unfortunately for the lady, I know too much about her. we attended the same university and lived in the same hostel. She had the reputation of being a commercial sex worker. She didn’t hide the fact that she sold her body in exchange for money. Once the price was right, this girl will sleep with anything in trousers. She was also into campus cultism

At a time she was dating the father of my roommate. When my friend threatened to report the affair to her mother, she came into our room with some of her cult members to beat her up and left with a warning that the next time, it may not just be beating but bathing her with acid.

From that point, my friend stayed off the case of her father and this lady until the relationship expired on its own. 

Throughout our stay in the university, she was notorious with a capital N. We also served in the same State. 

You can therefore imagine my surprise when she turned out to be the woman my elder brother wants to spend the rest of his life with five years after. He is our only son and I love him dearly. He is the most kind hearted man I know.

If I expected her to deny knowing me, she didn’t. Right there in the presence of my family, she told them she knew me; that we attended the same school and served in the same State. She also told them we weren’t close in school even though we were in the same hostel. 

From my facial expression, my mother sensed something was wrong. She asked if I knew her, I answered in the affirmative and garbled about her not being good enough for my brother.

She silenced me with one of those looks that meant, “keep quiet and mind your own business”.  Mothers being mothers, she called me later to tell her what I know about the lady; without holding anything back, I told her everything. 

She didn’t respond for about 30 minutes and when she did, I almost fainted. She told me not to say a word to my brother; that looking at both of them, they were really in love and that he would not welcome any interference by me in his affairs. She concluded that I should in the interest of peace in the family pretend to like his choice.

I honestly don’t agree with my mother who has always been too fair for my liking. She is one of those women who is passionate about allowing sleeping dogs be.

I am so confused about everything. Much as I want to mind my business, the thought of her, with her past record is making me apprehensive about the future of that marriage. I don’t want her near my brother let alone as his wife.

How do I separate them? She is bad news.

Angelica.

 

Dear Angelica,

Do you know that people can change? That between the time, you both parted ways and when she met your brother, she could have changed for the better? That love has the power to change a bad woman to a good and humble woman? That your brother might have a hand in this change?

I am sure you are conscious of the instruction of God in His Holy Book that we should refrain from judging others so that we won’t be judged by others.

Granted you have every right to want to protect your brother from a woman you know has the kind of reputation that might destroy him but matters of the heart, are not mathematics where one plus one equals two.

The chemistry of love is too strong and complex to be understood by the uninitiated. Except you have experienced that unusual impact of love, with all its power and awesomeness, you cannot understand what your brother and this woman feel for each other.

Besides, who is clean of a not too pleasant past? Can you in all honesty come clean with some of the things you have done at one time or the other? As long as a woman isn’t a virgin on her wedding night, she is as guilty as the commercial sex worker that stands by the road. It doesn’t matter if she has conducted herself well all her life, the fact that she came into her matrimonial home with the blemish of experience, she stands also to be condemned by her husband or any member of his family.

This is because any man can claim to have had her before she met her husband. This lady too can turn round to say the same things you are saying about her if she is the hard fighter.

It would be her word against your own if you aren’t intact. If your mother who has more experience than you in matters of the heart is asking you to back off despite having the full dossier on her, drop the matter. She sees far ahead of you and knows that the heart of the man once hooked, can forgive his woman every sin she might have committed in the past.

And what makes you think she hasn’t told your brother about her past? Her courage to admit knowing you in school and that both of you served together, should sound an alarm bell that this lady is confident and secured in the love of her man.

Another woman not so confident would have either denied knowing you, not recalling your face or that you two were the best of pals. That she told the truth about your relationship with her is pregnant with meaning which if you are wise should make you wary of direct inference in this matter.

Women with such experiences are always wise to come clean when they eventually find the right kind of man. Their experiences have made them too knowledgeable in the ways of men to keep quiet about the past.

What I think you should do if you must, is to invite her out for a date. Tell your brother it is a girls’ thing. Since both of you attended the same school, served together and as she is about to become your sister-in-law, you want to catch up on old times.

When alone, ask her pointed questions about her life in the last five years; how she met your brother and the major one you want to know; her current lifestyle.

Don’t go antagonizing her. You will only make things difficult between the two of you. Don’t forget that as the wife of your only brother, she holds the key to the peace and well being of your family. This is why you should be careful how you go about this. She could make it impossible for you and your brother to be friends for life.

Being the wife of the head of the family, she could insist on doing things that will exclude you from the rest of the family. So be careful because men, whether they admit to it or not, are subject to the authorities of their wives.  They get close to only the people their wives approve of.

This is not to say you shouldn’t let her know what you think of her but be very mature in your presentation. If she hasn’t told your brother everything about her past, insist she does to protect her home and if she has, wish her all the best of luck.

Chances are both of you can be friends if you handle this matter very well. Even though what I am about to say isn’t an excuse for her behavior, the condition of her family may have forced her into the kind of life-style she lived then. Not every girl that gains admission to school has a sponsor. Her determination to succeed at all cost may have made her crossed her mind to the thoughts of people about her.

You were not in her shoes so won’t know what she was going through back then. But asking her will help throw light into the thoughts that must have been going through her mind then.

In addition, your brother must have seen certain qualities in her that convinced him to propose to her. Respect his own feelings too.

Instead of discouraging him, pray for both of them to find happiness and fulfillment in each other.

Good luck.

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