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I’m still hanging on, she has moved on

With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I wrote to you sometime last year seeking your wise counsel on ways to handle my girlfriend’s situation. I left her after five years of thorough relationship to study aboard. 

In those five years, I only visited home when my father died in 2009. In 2010, she wrote asking me what my plans for the next two years were. Since I was still in school and didn’t know she was looking for something, I told her my plans, which were to finish school, further my studies, come home and start work.

Honestly if she had been clear or more direct about what she meant, I could have answered her differently, but truly as at then I was not ready and even now, I am still not ready.

The bottom line is that she got a proposal and accepted it. I felt betrayed when she told me about the proposal and her acceptance in January this year. I deleted everything about her from my Facebook, BBM and phone.   That was the only way I felt I could forget her quickly, because the pain was too much. She too could not bear it. She called me that she was joking but something in me remains unconvinced. So I started preparing my mind, just in case. 

I would have been home by now but something has been keeping me here since January.  Besides, I have been having this strong feeling of pending danger that has to do with my relationship with her. 

On the 17th of last month, I called her to discuss these feelings with her. She made me promise not to delete her details from my contacts since she can’t stand without communicating with me.  

She went on to confirm the earlier story of her engagement as well as the preparation her parents are putting in place. She made it appear as if she was under pressure to marry. 

Agatha, she is just 23 and still in school. She is a 300 level student while I am 25. I asked if she is all right with the situation, she said yes, especially as I wasn’t ready to settle down. She said since I was ready, she had to move on. When I first learnt she wanted to get married, I persuaded her like you suggested in my previous letter to you that she holds on till I return. We agreed we would sit to discuss. God knows I love this girl but obviously she chose someone else over me. I would have persuaded her to wait but it seems plans are now in top gear and too late for me to do anything about the marriage since they have already gone for marriage counselling.  

I am used to her. She wants me to forget her. From all indications she has moved on long ago. She is obviously feeling pity for me because in my five years abroad, I did her no wrong. Before the advent of BB, I was calling her regularly thrice a week, and when the BB technology became a common place, I was always in touch with her at anytime of the day. 

She wants us to continue as friends, but it isn’t easy for me. Talking to her is like opening old wounds. I don’t want to appear like a bad loser but she is my source of joy. The thought of her in another man’s arm is killing me softly. Agatha please I need your wise counsel. 

 

Broken Guy.

Dear Broken Guy,

Only one relationship among the many we enter in to will end up in marriage. Some happen to teach basic lessons of life while others happen out of our foolishness or inexperience.

Besides, every relationship comes with a unique package intended to light our way through the next one. Whenever a relationship goes bad, it is meant to educate us on the mistakes to avoid in our next effort.

You dated this lady for close to a decade. You thought you will end up as an item but God has other plans for both of you. From all indices, you both put in a lot of efforts into making this end in the way you wanted, but other things happened to derail all your plans for each other.

A lot of your problems are inexperience related. There is no way at your age you can conduct long distance relationship successfully. At the time you left the country, both of you lacked the experience to deal with the reality of long distance relationship. Most of what you felt, thought, and planned were based more on idealism rather than reality.

You were just 20 while she was only 18 at the time you left the country. At her age then, the idea of having a boyfriend abroad was appealing and something to boast about among her friends. But as she grew older, cynicism from friends, aided by fears of her time ticking away changed some of her views about the relationship as well as the sincerity of your words and feelings for her.

The fact that you only came back once in those five years further reinforced the sense of insecurity she was beginning to feel about the whole relationship. Between the time you left and now she has grown from a teenager into a young woman who should be thinking of her future and getting serious with a man in her life.

Being so far away, you couldn’t offer her the security her situation was beginning to demand. No doubt you tried through constant telephone conversations to assure her of your love but in this instance she wanted more than mere words from you. She needed your physical presence to do the talking for you and deal with all the doubts that were being planted in her mind by friends whose boyfriends were present.

Even though she may not have said it, she certainly had her doubts, about your fidelity towards the relationship. Being a man and very far away from her, nothing in her opinion was stopping you from having another girlfriend there. Doubtless, with the kinds of heartbreaking stories told by those who have ventured into distant relationships tell about their experiences, she won’t be the first to worry about the sincerity of the man she had only seen once in the five years he has left her.

At the time she called to ask for your plans, she wanted something different from what you have been telling her since you left. She wanted you to come up with something more concrete, the kind of plans that will shelter her in your love. When it appeared as if you were stalling, undecided on how to proceed with the relationship, her alarm bells went up forcing her to take another look at her options and offers. She didn’t want to lose at both ends

Granted, she may not love this man as she loved you or desired you, but he has more applicable plans and above all was physical within her reach. At least, with him she could tell where she stood.

There is little or nothing you can do at this point. Whatever you think of her decision doesn’t matter anymore. She now belongs to another man; therefore you must let go and force yourself to love another woman.

Many men and women before you have had to deal with the emotional pains of seeing a loved one go for good. It is all part of human history and experiences. You will get over it like all the others before you did. Heartbreaks don’t last forever, there will always be another person ready to mend the heart as long as you are wise enough to avoid making the same mistakes.

Now you know that it is wrong to go into any serious relationship unless you have the time and presence of mind to execute it. Leaving a woman alone for five years is like imprisonment.  Until you are ready don’t promise a woman something you cannot easily give her, especially attention. The mind of a woman desires the awareness of the man in her life. She wants to be complimented and appreciated by her man at all times. The moment this is missing in her life, she becomes insecure and fearful of her position in the life of the man.

This is why you must be free to love your woman in the different ways she wants you in her life. It is the only way to avoid the pains of watching another man, take your place in the life of your woman.

As for this lady, allow her be. It is too late for you to do anything.

Good luck.

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